Only Love Remains

cu·ri·ous (adj.)[kyoo

r-ee-uhs] eager to learn or know, inquisitive, interest, attention through being inexplicable or highly unusual.

If you never try you never know…I was listening to Nickel Creek’s “This Side” and for some reason the line only the curious have something to find stuck out to me. I couldn’t get it out of my head. Walt Disney once said, “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to follow them.” Similarly, a friend once shared with me this poem-The man who misses all the fun is he who says, “It can’t be done.” In solemn pride he stands aloof and greets each venture with reproof. Had he the power he’d efface the history of the human race; We’d have no radio or motor cars, no streets lit by electric stars; No telegraph nor telephone, We’d linger in the age of stone. The world would sleep, if things were run by men who say, “It can’t be done.” As my thoughts dwelled on all these things, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own tendency to cling to what I know and what is safe. But Jesus calls me to leave all this behind and live a very different lifestyle. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If  you look for me wholeheartedly, You will find me.’” In order to make our dreams come true, we must pursue opportunities.

In order to create lasting relationships, we must be intentional about them. In order to cross the ocean, we must be willing to lose sight of the shore. In order to experience God, we must seek Him wholeheartedly. Many times in my life I have said things along the lines of not feeling God’s presence or feeling distant from God or feeling spiritually dry. But does the emptiness that comes from the apparent absence of God not speak to the power of His presence? And perhaps the moments when it feels that God is the farthest away are the moments when He is closest. Maybe the perceived darkness is just the result of the blinding light of God. I was reminded this week that if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me (James 4:8). Walking in the light, no matter how dark the road has seemed at times, has made all the difference in my life lately. My devotional yesterday concluded with this- “You have realized that needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately, which is the gift above all gifts.” And as I sat realizing how true that statement has been for me this semester, I thought to myself, Is this not true of everything? Does not all our curiosity stem from our deep need for something?

Something that we cannot provide for ourselves? Let’s embrace our deep need to question things around us. It is not our responsibility to get gifts from God. Often times we forget that we should love God simply because He is God- not because he offers us gifts beyond our wildest imagination, but because He is love. Through my deep need for God, I have been instilled with the curiosity to learn more about Him and His love and that in itself is a wonderful gift. Another one of my favorite lines from a Nickel Creek song, Doubting Thomas, says can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs that prove I’m not ready to die?  The song wrestles with the very real struggles of faith in heaven, but as I listened to it I couldn’t help but think that it also fits with the notion that we have not truly died to ourselves to walk as a new creation if we are holding on to our past…leaving breadcrumbs to lead  us back to our comfort zones once we get scared or lose hope. We must drop our breadcrumbs, past hurts, and scars in order to wholeheartedly follow after Christ. And at times we may feel lost in the wilderness, but if we allow our curiosity to drive us further into the woods, I believe we will find a spring of rest and peace. C.S. Lewis once wrote that

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” In order to fully experience the beauty and love of God, we must be willing to be vulnerable with God and one another. This means we must allow our curiosity to expose us to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, which doesn’t sound pleasant to any sane person living in the 21st century. However, if we continue to follow God then He will bring restoration and reveal to us beauty and opportunities unimaginable to us in the present. So let us explore the road less traveled- with curiosity as our map, Jesus as our companion, and God as our compass. 

While I’m in the process of figuring out what to write about, I figured I’d share with you guys some of the stuff I’ve already written. I don’t normally share my songs with that many people so I thought this would be a good way to start doing that. So…here are the lyrics to three of my songs. Enjoy…or not! The choice is yours :)

Black and White
I watch the seasons just changing in my head
I watch the leaves as they fall from green to red
But I know there’s a place where I can go-
It’s not to you, you’re more what I’m running from.

It’s a place where nothing’s more than black and white.
Outside time and space, nothing more than notes and lines.
Invites me in, then sweeps me away
Takes away my pain, everything will be okay

Till I woke up this morning, like I always do
And like always, my thoughts, they turn to you
To how you left me in the dead of winter’s night
Not in spring, no room to bloom no song to sing

Of a place where nothing’s ever more than black and white
Outside time and space, nothing more than notes and lines
Invites me in, then sweeps me away
Takes away my pain, everything will by okay

But I fall like the leaves, swept away by the wind of you

Nothing’s ever more than black and white,
Nothing’s ever more than notes and lines
Invite me in, then sweep me away
Take away my pain, everything will be okay. 

Tell Me
I stood on the steps of your heart
Until all had fallen apart
Yeah, it came crashing down

I looked in the window and saw
That I had been replaced
By someone new

So tell me-
What am I supposed to do? 
What am I supposed to say?
When I gave you the key to heart and you just threw it away
Tell me.

So I turn my back and ran
As far as the eye could see
To God knows where

Got lost along the way,
Wandering alone
Both night and day

So tell me-
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to say?
When I gave you the key to heart and you just threw it away
Tell me.
Tell me what am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to say?
When I gave you the key to my heart and you just threw it away

Think.Choose.Love
They tell me to clear my mind of everything you
And so I try my best
But you’ll be running through my head
Till I’m running to your arms again
Cause the last words that you said
Broke my heart and then

I thought a thought I thought I might tell you
Of how you might think of me too
But you are there, and I am here
And all we have is words
Pages, pages full of words, I will never send to you

They tell me to make up my mind and just choose
Well I choose you.
I choose happiness, but just the same, it’s so far away
Now all I know to say,
Is that I don’t know what to say

I thought a thought I thought I might tell you
Of how you might still choose me too
But there you go and here I am, with my heart in hands
All the pieces shattered around me,
This was not my plan.

They tell me it’s better to love and lose
Than to never love at all
But now I’m at a loss for how to fall out of love
Reverse the fall
You told me you’d love me always, so tell me now
Why does my heart ache?

I thought a thought I thought I might tell you
Of how you might have loved me too.
We’re a thousand miles apart and I feel it for the first time
With the silence between our hearts

I thought a thought I thought I might tell you. 

Well, it’s been a whole week since I last wrote. And there is much to be thankful for, my friends. But I’ve decided to focus my energy on being thankful for joy. In this life, joy or happiness often seems fleeting. We all feel this way at some point or another…life just seems to have a way of wearing us down in its own confusing way. Just when you find yourself on top of the world, your world completely turns upside down-leaving you at the very bottom. But without our pain or confusion or apathy we would know no joy.

“It takes a night to make it dawn and it takes the day to make you yawn. It takes the cold to know the sun. It takes the one to have the other. It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes years to know what the love is. It takes some fear before I trust and it takes some tears to make it rust and it takes the rust to have it polished. It takes the lost before you’ve found it and it takes the road to go nowhere and it takes the toll to show you care and it takes the hole to see the mountains. Life is wonderful. Life goes full circle. Life is wonderful. Life is so full of love. Life is wonderful. Life is meaningful.”
Once you learn to see the beauty in all the little things around you and take refuge in that, you start to experience irreplaceable joy that cannot be shaken. That’s what I’ve found lately. Not to say that nothing gets to me anymore- but the joy I have experienced in the past week alone has been so tremendous that when something happens (that a month ago would have sent me into my reclusive mode) I just remember that life is wonderful- no matter what my present circumstances, spend time in prayer, dry my tears, and get right back up.
In the last week, I’ve had so many moments that have brought me joy. From finding creative ways to decorate my dorm room for Christmas with my roommate while listening to Christmas music, goofing off with my friends from YoungLife, baking cookies late at night, grabbing some peppermint flavored coffee at Starbucks with great friends I haven’t seen in entirely too long, getting a chance to share the songs I write with my family, singing with my sister to surprise our family for Thanksgiving, going to see cheesy chick flicks with the girls in my family, going on a hike in the beautiful Tennessee hills with my family, reuniting the friend group for a movie night, eating way too much all week, decorating the Christmas tree, wasting hours just talking with those who mean most to me, getting to stay in town a little longer and watch my church choir concert to kick off the Advent season, but most of all feeling the love and support and encouragement of my friends and family. I love you more than I can say, but hopefully you feel my love from my actions more so than from my words anyway.

Joy. Such a simple, simple word- but we often lose sight of the true meaning and weight of the word. The Greek word for joy is chara. Throughout the New Testament, love and joy seem to work together in the lives of Christians to bring peace in their hearts and minds, resulting in pure happiness. Where love melts the heart of stone and breaks down our walls, joy is able to touch the deepest parts of our hearts. And while joy is presented in many, many different ways throughout the New Testament, every single time the word chara is used in the original manuscripts, it is describing times when people were discovering or accepting Jesus. If you are far from experiencing joy at the moment, let me ask you this- are you waking up everyday and discovering Christ and the beauty of his creation in the little things?
Victor Hugo once said, “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved-loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” Sometimes the hardest thing to do is accept love from someone. My prayer for you, friends, is that you will allow love (either from God or those around you) to penetrate the walls that you have built up. Once you do so, joy will begin to fill you-beginning with the depths of your heart.

About two months ago, this was my devotional…I often read it to myself now as a reminder of how to hold on to my joy and peace- even when everything seems to be tearing me apart. I hope you find comfort in this as well-

“When many things seem to be going wrong, trust Me. When your life feels increasingly out of control, Thank Me. These are supernatural responses, and they can lift you above your circumstances. If you do what comes naturally in the face of difficulties, you may fall prey to negativism. Even a few complaints can set you on a path that is a downward spiral, by darkening your perspective and mindset. With this attitude controlling you, complaints flow more freely from your mouth. Each one moves you steadily down the slippery spiral. The lower you go, the faster you slide, but it is still possible to apply the brakes. Cry out to Me in My Name! Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. Thank Me for everything, though that seems unnatural- even irrational. Gradually you will begin to recover your lost ground. When you are back on ground level, you can face your circumstances from a humble perspective. If you choose to thank and trust Me, you will experience my unfathomable Peace.”

As I’m finishing up my days of “Give Thanks” blog entries and transition into something else, I just want to share with you how true I found that devotional to be. Thanking Him for things that seem the very things I should blame God for has brought me so much joy. So, if you’re sliding down the slippery slope, I really encourage you to try this out and take heart.

Love’s taken over me and so I propose letting myself go. I am letting myself go. You are my joy, You are my joy, You are my joy, You are my joy. 

I haven’t written all weekend…and this is exactly what

I’m thankful for today. For a break from all the distractions of my hectic daily life and the chance to spend a weekend with no phone or internet, serving God and His people while growing closer to my peers. For the rest. For this weekend being more than I could have ever asked for. I spent this past weekend doing work crew for YoungLife Polar Bear Weekend for YL clubs from all over Texas and Louisiana. It was so exhausting yet so rewarding. And while it wasn’t the typical “rest” that we think of- characterized by peaceful sleeping and other relaxing activities, it was a wonderful opportunity to rest in who I am in Christ and be comfortable in that. Getting to completely goof off with my friends and be loved anyway was so freeing! I also got to have really meaningful conversations with my sisters in Christ and it was amazing to grow closer to these amazing girls- some that I didn’t even know before getting in the car with them! I am so thankful for all my friends that did work crew with me this weekend and for the opportunity to participate in such an awesome ministry! God is doing so many incredible things in so many lives right now- it just put me at peace, acknowledging that He is at work in me as well- healing me piece by piece. One of my favorite “golden oldie” worship songs is “Better is

One Day” by Chris Tomlin. “How lovely is Your dwelling place, Oh Lord Almighty. For my soul longs and even faints for you. For here my heart is satisfied within Your presence. I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings. Better is one day in Your courts. Better is one day in Your house. Better is one day than thousands elsewhere.” These are the words I would choose to describe this weekend. Although I had an extremely long week that included no sleep what-so-ever, I would rather have spent this past weekend doing exhausting work and getting to grow in Christ than to have spent the weekend relaxing in bed, catching up on sleep. Because this is how I get true restoration and peace- from giving my all to God.
”I’m tired of putting one foot in front of the other. I’m weary of where it leads me to. I’m tired of moving on from my Father. Make me rest my head, take a breath or two. Simply stated, simple minded love for You has simply been completely complicated. And I’m finding this daily drudgery is finally catching up to me. It’s time for this abandon to make much of You and less of me. I want to breathe in. I want to breathe in and out again.”

You are the light that’s leading me to the place where I find peace again. You are the strength that keeps me walking. You are the hope that keeps me trusting. You are the life to my soul. You are my purpose. You’re everything.Today I’m thankful for hope. As the semester is coming to a close and the holiday season is upon us, it is easy to become stressed out and overwhelmed by the many things demanding our time, efforts, and attention. We are left tired, exhausted, and desperate for restoration. Today I am thankful for the hope that I will find relief from all my temporary sufferings, anxiety, and exhaustion. I am thankful for the weekend and the upcoming break to go home and rest in the love and support of my family. There is no greater comfort than that of being in a place where you are loved and accepted no matter what.

The past two weeks have been jam packed of travel and essay writing and test taking and exercising that I haven’t had any time to truly rest. And let me tell ya, I can’t WAIT! I am so thankful for having that to look forward to. It makes all of this worthwhile and I know it will make the break that much more enjoyable. And if I’m THIS excited to be going home for a couple days….can you imagine the joy that comes from going to our true home in heaven (umm I don’t know…FOREVER?!). Philippians 3:13-14 states, “Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” My hope is that I can begin to live my life like this daily, always keeping in mind that which offers me hope- the light that is leading me again to peace- amidst all my current, temporary anxiety. 

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on- a glorious light beyond all compare. There will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes, we’ll live to know You here on the earth. 

Today I am thankful for the opportunity to serve. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a church that stressed the importance of mission work and a servant heart. They provided so many opportunities to serve that it became what I loved to do- and how I met my closest friends. Whether it be playing board games with homeless men, playing with inner city kids and showing them the love of God, tutoring inner city kids, participating in various mission trips or a battle of the bands to fight modern day slavery- my church had a way of equipping you to serve God’s people. 

Tonight I had the wonderful blessing of visiting a ministry downtown called Beautiful Feet.  Their Bible verse is Isaiah 52:7, “How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger who brings Good News.” They strive to share the Gospel through serving the homeless community downtown. I had the unique opportunity to prepare food for the men and women, worship alongside them, serve them dinner, and then join in meaningful conversation with some of them over food. It was a great night that brought me the joy I’ve been missing from serving others. I had awesome conversation with men I sat with at dinner- they were actively trying to find a job to support themselves amidst trying to help out family members who had suffered from strokes. As I was serving them each dinner, I tried to ask each one their name and introduce myself before wishing them an enjoyable dinner- it kind of shocked me how many of them were surprised that someone was interested in knowing their name. It surely broke my heart as I’m sure it broke God’s.

I feel like there is often a stigma surrounding the homeless community. There’s the always-present dilemma of whether to dish out a little extra cash as you drive by a homeless man or woman holding a sign asking for support, and many times we walk by our homeless brothers and sisters as we explore the city because we feel awkward. But what we fail to recognize is that these very beautiful people are our brothers and sisters too. It breaks my heart how many people are treated as if they are invisible, out of our own selfish shame or “awkwardness” surrounding the issue. We are called to love our homeless brothers and sisters as well. Yes, it may make you uncomfortable, but its so worth it to share God’s love with those who otherwise wouldn’t experience it if it weren’t for you. As Francis Chan challenges us, we need to be putting ourselves in situations beyond our comfort zones in which we will be in trouble if God doesn’t come through. 

Don’t know where to start? There are plenty of ministries out there doing incredible things for the homeless community. Here are a few: Room In the Inn http://www.roomintheinn.org/), Beautiful Feet (http://thefeet.org/), The Contributor (thecontributor.org/main/), in most cities there is a Mission or homeless shelter that is always welcoming volunteers, bring left overs from a restaurant or freshly cooked food from home to an area where you know people stand with signs and offer them food as an alternative to money, heck! I’ve even had incredible experiences by just packing a lunch and going up to a homeless friend and eating lunch with them and some of my friends. There are so many ways to get involved- these are just a few. But I pray that we can begin to break down the stigma around the growing population of the homeless community and simply love them as Christ loved us. 

*Photo creds to Molly Peach and Alice Lee :) 

Today I am thankful for prayer. Abraham Lincoln, one of the strongest and most notable leaders of our country, is quoted saying, “I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.” If he can admit his desperate need for prayer, then so can I. 
Philippians 4:4-7 says “Don’t worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” What I love about this verse is that is does not assume that God is the one causing all of the problems in our lives. Rather it offers comfort in the fact that we do not and cannot understand why we experience such pain. This suggests that we should not ask God to take away the pain or stop the pain-causing circumstances, but ask for peace of heart and mind in such trials. Rather than turn away from God and blame Him out of desperation for a place to set the blame, draw near to Him and bask in His love and His desire for you to feel His love. This is what guards our hearts and minds. 

The Bible says “Do not worry” over 365 times- that’s more than one reminder to not worry for everyday of the year. 
God really emphasizes the need for us not to stress over little things because He is constantly trying to get His point across that He is the One that can provide for us. He cares so deeply for us. Sometimes we fail to realize this, or if we do, we take it for granted.

When something upsetting or annoying happens to us, usually our first reaction is to whip out our phone and text or call our best friend or run to the computer and update our Facebook status. How many times have you heard the phrase, “Well…All we can do now is pray.” Or “It’s in God’s hands now..”.?Was it not always in His hands? Has he not been here all the while wanting nothing but the best for you? Why do we view going to our Lord and Saviour, the creator of this entire universe as a last resort? 
God pleads us to pray about everything. His peace is the only thing powerful enough to pull us through our pain and protect us from the temptations, wants, and desires of this world.  
This weekend I heard a new perspective on prayer. When someone asks you to pray for them- they are asking you to pray for them. It is when someone is so weak that they can no longer pray on their own that they need you to pray for them. You are praying on behalf of them- carrying their burden in addition to your own. This semester I have had the extremely humbling experience of getting to a place where I needed people to pray for me. 

Today I am thankful for all those people in my life that have prayed for me, and continue to pray for me- whether or not I asked you to, or whether or not I knew you did. Experiencing this kind of community of love has been truly humbling. Your prayers have meant the world to me and are making such a difference. Thank you so much to those who love me and to those who make up my army of prayer warriors. You are a blessing to me and my faith journey.
I will leave you with some of my favorite prayers written and spoken by people who have walked before me-
I am no longer my own, but thine.Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt.Put me to doing, put me to suffering.Let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,exalted for thee or brought low for thee.Let me be full, let me be empty.Let me have all things, let me have nothing.I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal.And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,thou art mine, and I am thine.So be it.And the covenant which I have made on earth,let it be ratified in heaven.Amen.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred,let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, not so much to be understood as to understand, not so much to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, it is in dying that we awake to eternal life. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Today I am thankful for unanswered questions. They force me to live out these questions in order to find my own answers based on my experiences. My former pastor whom I hold very near and dear to my heart, Dr. Howard Olds, shared these words in one of his last sermons and they have stuck with me throughout the years-

“Life, what a wonderful four letter word. Life, what an opportunity. Life, what a trust. Life is a quest for answers, answers to problems, answers to diseases, answers to life itself. Life has taught me to live the questions, rather than seek the answers. Life Matters. Life matters in the light of eternity. Live it all. Live it now. Live it for the Glory of God and the good of people. Live Life.”
Here is an excerpt from his second to last sermon- 

Rainer Rilke writes, “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.”

It is human nature to ask questions and seek answers. Take a walk with any child and you will be bombarded with questions. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Where does the sun go when it sets? How do birds know to fly south in the winter?

If you pass that test, there are plenty more to follow. Why did we put granddad in the ground if he went to heaven? My playmate up the street is dying of cancer; does that mean I am going to die? If God is real, why can’t I see him?

Life is a quest for answers, answers to problems, answers to diseases, answers to life itself. But in spite of our scientific savvy and technological advancements and communication miracles, the questions remain and even expand.

So, gradually life has taught me to live the questions, instead of seeking the answers. And here’s how I do it. By faith – faith is a substance of things to hope for and evidence of things not seen. Some faith is easy. We pray for a miracle and the miracle comes. We pray for a good marriage and a good marriage results. We pray for healthy kids and we have healthy kids, but not all faith is so certain. Some faith is born of trust. When God is silent, no miracles happen, cancer comes back, kids run away, businesses fails; we must trust that God will be with us each step of the way.

By Hope – Emil Brunner says hope is to the soul what oxygen is to the body, absolutely essential. In recent months I have struggles with shortness of breath. Sometime it’s a result of anxiety and other times it’s a result of fluid building up in my abdomen. Either way it’s frightening. In moments like that I reach for hope. I remember that God is closer than the air I breathe and present with every breath I take. It often helps my breathing.

By Love – “…and the greatest of these is love.” You and the Church have taught me how to love and be loved. What can I say? It is the most wonderful thing in all the world to love and to be loved. When love grows into commitment and attainment deepens into acceptance, questions lose their urgency and the fear of life fades.

Life matters. Life matters in the light of eternity. Live it all. Live it now. Live it for the Glory of God and the good of people. Live Life.

For the past three years, I have strived to live my life by living out my questions, my doubts through faith, hope, and love. I can still hear the words echoing in the silent sanctuary “God is closer than the air I breathe”. The realness of that moment will always stay with me and remind me that I am never alone. Amidst my questions, God is there.